A tiny note – this is more of a personal essay about a subject that’s been on my mind for a while. It’s a bit different from what I usually write; I hope you find in it a warm reminder that it’s okay to take your time and way with things.
I met Grief for the first time when I was 9. It came slow and kindly when I lost someone I barely knew but had gotten used to seeing around. Since then, I’ve begun to see it here and there but lately – grief is all I see everywhere. The past few years and months, in particular have been littered with news that is haunting, heart-breaking and difficult. Sometimes it’s personal but mostly, it’s been so globally human, that I’ve begun to lose all sense of perception.
My days of not recognizing the people death claims are long gone. These days, it seems as if I’ve known everyone to an extent – forgotten celebrities, relatives I never grew to love and pets that left too soon. I like to believe it’s because I’ve been more involved with the media since COVID forced us into a largely online world but the truth is much more simple, uncomplicated and with no parties to blame – I’m growing old and so is the world around me. Breaking voices, wrinkles that appear out of the blue and a strand of white here and there jolt me to the present everyday And with that came the daunting idea that grieving would soon be a part of my normal.
I’ve read that grief comes in waves. But it often feels as though it is acceptance and not grief that does. Some days are easier than others, a transition period of sorts for the realization to sink in, time for that infinite void of pain to open up and swallow you whole. Other days exist in the form of nonchalance and numbness where the world simply fails to make sense. Acceptance feels like the one stranger I’ll never meet, let alone a friend I can turn to for solace.
Losing someone you love or have simply known for years is undoubtedly a painful experience. The world changes because you’ve never known a world without them. I could have never imagined a world without grandparents and yet, that is my normal now. It’s immensely disconcerting when the grieving doesn’t begin when you think it will or terrifying when you find yourself unable to shed a single tear. When I lost someone dear, it made me feel so awful when I realised I wasn’t feeling as sad as I ought to. Someone whose absence changed my world forever and I wasn’t feeling sad. I wasn’t grieving. And a part of me felt obligated to.
But, grief shouldn’t be a responsibility. It’s a response.
And respond, I did. Grief wasn’t merciful enough to come in waves. It washed over me, one fine day and I was constantly drowning. Somedays, I’d be pushed so deep, that I’d go for days without the sun. Now, the world feels eternally cold and all I see is death and loss and pain everywhere. It feels quite unfair to be told to accept it, that this is what life is – that this singular feeling of helplessness is part of what growth and maturity entails.
Sometimes I sit up in the night and confide in the dark because the days don’t make sense anymore. Sometimes I cry and let the darkness hold me close. I talk and tell the walls truths I’ll never utter again. I let the night wash over me and I simply sit. Talking, crying, praying, hoping, dreaming and finally, mourning.
And sometimes I’ll see the grief take form, unsaid words growing a skin and I think about where it all went wrong. Or if it ever did at all and whether I’ve simply been a child for too long, too young to see the world and too ignorant to make an effort. Personally, accepting grief doesn’t mean welcoming grief or accepting it as a natural part of my day – I simply acknowledge it.
When I feel particularly down, I acknowledge the grief weighing me down and I let myself grieve. I take time to respond to the mind-numbing realization that the world is changing every second. My heart aches for the adults in my life as I begin to realize how deeply they’ve been scarred by the losses in their lives. And my respect for them grows a hundredfold as I watch the strength they demonstrate every single day.
We’re losing good, kind, amazing people and friends every second. At any given moment, there’s someone whose grief is engulfing them, where everything just seems unreal – and then I think about how the world is always grieving some form of loss. And acceptance always seems to be one wave away from our shores.
Thoughtfully yours,
D
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