Hey everyone! This is not a regular post. I’m just going to be breaking down a few recurring thoughts and talk about them and address them today.
I suppose a few of you may have noticed a decline in my liking/reading/commenting i.e engagement with you all lately. It’s honestly not and never was a personal choice. I now come on here once/twice a week and mass read posts. I do apologise for all the spamming and mass liking/commenting.
Now as to why I’m suddenly so inactive, I owe that to my inordinate amount of screen time. I spent 11 hours on an average on my computer per day (5-6 on Sundays). I tried to incorporate blogging into those 11 hours rather than adding time to it but that didn’t work out because the majority of those hours are actual classes.
Now, I feel the need to address my writing. The truth is my writing has changed considerably over the past few weeks. The previous three posts were ones that I’d written sometime in February and hence they (hopefully) didn’t seem off. I have been writing but in places where I was just unsatisfied before, I absolutely hate it now.
I’ve also been wanting to experiment with poetry forms and learn more about those but I haven’t been able to devote as much time as I’d like to that. I’m hoping I can learn three or four of those forms by July. I usually try to emphasise on positive themes, try weird perspectives, and roam wildly creatively but lately, I’ve been feeling rather empty when it comes to writing read worthy writes. I do have a couple more old posts scheduled but I’m not sure what’ll happen when they run out. However I look forward to writing something good this month!
Most of you know me as Introverted Thoughts, D or IT. D has come to grow on me and I strongly identify with it because it is the first letter of my real name; and with it being just a single letter seemingly attributes a one dimensional face, to the character I present here.
I wouldn’t say I hate it but because I know I’m clinging to anonymity, more out of insecurities than out of my need for privacy, I feel a genuine need to get rid of it. I’ve been hiding behind my pen name for a long while and I want to come to a stage where I’m confident in my own skin and not flinch when I’m called by my name or hate all that I say, do or write – and feel responsible for my thoughts and words, rather than blame Introverted Thoughts for everything. I believe I will reveal my name in the near future but I still prefer that I be addressed as D because I like the one-dimensional persona it projects.
Anonymity is beautiful and I’ve enjoyed every second of it but I know I’ll have to embrace confidence and individuality and feel content with myself and not attribute all my faults and insecurities to a fictional person.
I’d like to write and hopefully bring into being a clear distinction between, school and life. School is and should be, my priority, even more so now that I’m in grade 12. But I don’t believe prioritising means abandoning everything else but unfortunately that’s also what I’ve been doing.
I would say I’m relatively more creatively oriented than my peers are. More so than just an interest, I desperately need reading, writing and drawing in my life – something I was able to drag along until grade 10. Grade 11 was a complete mess, I did reasonably well in school but it was my worst reading year. I haven’t drawn in months or read in weeks (not counting school material). I guess I could say I’m writing since I journal occasionally.
A part of me wants to blame the education system, but a larger part of me knows that what I’m studying at school was also my choice. Now, I have no idea why I seem to want to go for ventures that are generally considered hard when I have an almost distinct vision of me failing at the same. But I seem to have grown rather close to the idea of trying and failing because apparently I believe trying will make failing easier since I did theoretically try which is a half-witted notion now that I’m actually writing it down. Moving on…
I’m trying to make sense of life, to evaluate my priorities and decide on the most productive and least draining path. Don’t get me wrong. I love learning and exploring and discovering and always have, but I find planting myself in front of screens all day long incredibly tiring. I know it’s because we have no other option and I’m grateful for any education at all but I’m also a tad annoyed that many of my peers don’t seem to mind this overwhelming screen time.
It feels weird to be rather close to 18 and yet so far from actual growth/progress. This hiatus will be just a month long. I don’t know how this’ll help me but I hope by the time I get back, I can get rid of Introverted Thoughts completely and have a clear idea of how to proceed with life, to live and not just exist.
Introverted Thoughts aka D
Thank you so much for reading all that! I truly appreciate your constant love, support and encouragement! Have a beautiful day, ahead! See you in a month! ❤️